Don’t know your personal style? Make a Not My Style list instead.

When you’re trying to define your personal style, sometimes it feels like all you know is what you DON’T like. Luckily, you don't have to. Instead, try this: define what your style is NOT and make a Not My Style list.

August 22, 2022

When you’re trying to define your personal style, sometimes it feels like город Нальчик all you know is what you DON’T like. You feel like you don't even know what you want to wear, you just know it’s not what you’re wearing now! You start to wonder, why can’t I define my personal style?

That is a really frustrating part of defining your style, because you know, vaguely, what you want: to look chic, polished, put together. But when you try to define what that means for yourself, you get nowhere. So it feels overwhelming, and impossible. How can you go shop for clothes that fit and look better if you don’t even know what you like?

You might not be able to describe what you want, or what makes your best outfits so good (or your worst outfits so bad). But the good news is you don’t have to!

Instead of struggling to articulate what IS your style, just roll with it. Embrace being this cat and start listing everything you KNOW doesn’t work for you.

Try Making a Not My Style List

Here’s a quick way to start exploring your style when you feel stuck: define what your style is NOT and make a Not My Style list.

Making a Not My Style list is an exercise that I first learned about from Anuschka Rees, and it’s become a go-to with my style coaching clients. When people start creating their style with me in The Unfolding, inevitably they say, “I don't know what I want to wear, I just know it’s not this!”

As Anuschka puts it, “the idea is that instead of trying to work out how all of the different things you like could fit together, you approach the whole thing from the opposite end.”

Here’s how to define what is NOT your style:

Get a notebook or digital note.
Set a timer for 5 minutes.
Write down as many things that you know you HATE wearing.

Write anything that your style is distinctly not. Try to write at least a few things in each category:

Colors that look weird on you or that you just don’t like.
Fabrics that are itchy, uncomfortable, or wrong for your climate.
Prints and patterns that feel cringe or you think are ugly.
Silhouettes or fits that you think look wrong on you.
Clothes that give off a certain vibe or feeling that isn’t you.
Specific items you own or used to own that you really disliked.
Things you like on other people but not on you.
Anything that totally ruins a piece of clothing for you.
Styles or trends you hated at first but ended up loving.
Things you repeatedly buy but never wear.
Anything that makes you go “ugh NO” when you see it.

You can be really specific, or really general. My Not My Style list ranges from the general (“ruffles, bows, and anything cutesy”) — to the specific (”no slant pockets on pants EVER!”)

My client Julia once had an aha moment in this process and realized, “I hate and refuse to wear jeans with brown stitching. Same-color black or blue or maybe white contrast stiching but not brown!” This is super-specific, because most jeans have brown stitching! It’s also extremely helpful, because she can now simply ignore a ton of pairs of jeans when she is shopping. This means instead of buying yet another pair of jeans with brown stitching and then not wearing them, she can bypass that all together and find jeans that work for her.

Here’s some examples of what you might write on your Not My Style list:

I bet you’ll be surprised at how long this list is.

warm salmon coral pink
“I hate and refuse to wear jeans with brown stitching. Same-color black or blue or maybe white contrast stiching but not brown!”
no ruffles, bows, or flounces
flared jeans
peplum anything
boho rock glam goddess e.g. Stevie Nicks or Florence Welch
nothing pastel or cutesy or infantilizing
athleisure or anything that could pass as workout gear
nothing that calls out for attention
headbands and preppy prissy stuff, like anything Sloane Ranger or Blair Waldorf

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Here’s a few examples of what real Not My Style lists look like:

Sabrina actually made a “Not My Style” inspo board:

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Once you’ve gotten the obvious stuff out of the way, keep going. What trends do you hate? What’s the last thing you saw someone wearing that made you go ugh no? What do you like on other people but feel like you can’t wear yourself?

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Trying to define your personal style? Try this.

You've got "figure out personal style" on your to-do list, but can't figure out where to start? Welcome to Style Lab. Style Lab is a private membership community for people starting their personal style journey. Explore bite-sized personal style lessons and get feedback on your real outfits from style coaches and fellow community members. See what it's all about and join us today for just $7.

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Here’s why making a Not My Style list works so well:

Our brains tend to focus on the negative (thanks, brain!) so it’s easier to say what isn’t working.
Process of elimination. If we can avoid all the things on the Not My Style list, we’re closer to things that might actually be our style.
Helps you get detailed and specific by describing exact elements of outfits that aren’t working.

Helping you to get detailed is one of the most important reasons this works! Details are what makes an outfit or a personal style unique and cohesive, but we don’t often know how to articulate them. We say, “this outfit looks terrible!” (or something less nice, usually) but we don’t know how to say why it looks terrible.

You may not be able to articulate why you don't like the outfit. You may not necessarily know why yet. But you can start documenting what it is that you're seeing, how you’re feeling about it, and if it feels good or bad.

This is especially useful if you’ve been trying to define your style by using a personal style quiz or common style types like “classic” or “bohemian” or “edgy.” Just because your favorite influencer uses the word “classic” doesn’t mean that her jeans-and-a-tee look will work on you. (Here's more on why that doesn't work.)

What’s next? How do you get from a Not My Style List to a This Is My Style List?

Use your Not My Style List as a jumping off point! Like this:

I don’t love bright pastel baby colors, but I do really like soft delicate colors like cloudy blue or dusty rose.
I hate ruffles, but I don’t mind when there’s a waist tie or a belt.
I don’t like ragged edges or distressing or raw hems, because it feels sloppy, so I prefer finished hems.
I don’t like brown stitching on my jeans, I prefer same-color or white contrast stitching.
I love all black on other people but on me it feels too severe, so I prefer something less harsh, even if I don’t know what that is yet.

See how the second half of those sentences is starting to look like a list of things you DO like? You can use this list as a way to start exploring styles and clothes that work better on you. Think about it as a “My Style Might Be” list.

The Not My Style list isn’t a negative exercise. It’s not just a way to be grouchy and obsess over all the things you think you “can’t pull off.” It’s a helpful way to get focused on the details.

The magic of personal style is really in the details.

I bet you already know a few particular outfits that you felt really good in, right? You know what your 💯 outfits are. But what you haven't done is really look at the specific details of what makes that outfit so good. The inverse is true: when we look at the specific details of what doesn’t work, it can point us in the direction of what does.

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Trying to define your personal style?

If you're defining your personal style (or what it isn't!), come join us in Style Lab, my new monthly membership community for people starting their personal style journey. Explore bite-sized personal style lessons—like the Not My Style list exercise, including a downloadable worksheet—and get feedback on your real outfits from style coaches and fellow community members. Membership starts at just $7! Become a Style Lab member and get started creating your authentic style.

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